Guys, let’s just get completely honest and raw here for a
bit…
Self-Doubt- the devil’s favorite game. That is what my mind has been completely filled
with these past few months.
As you all may know,
just when we announced and just when we were about to start the process we
found that we would need to move to be in the same place for the duration of
the adoption. Well God definitely showed
up and worked that out in an unbelievable and blessed way. Our house is amazing and fantastic, and I can’t
wait to raise a child here. That being
said it meant a delay for being able to start our adoption process because of
finances. Just coming out of debt from
Student Loans, also having to stay at home currently and not work full time because
of the unpredictability of my health, and a part time job opportunity/business
investment that we plugged some money up front into not working out… we wanted
to make wise financial decisions going into this adoption being debt free-which
after the house and expense of the move we had to work on some.
SO a lot of that stuff has been going on.
During this time I
often begin to doubt. I begin to wonder
if we’ll ever be able to adopt. I begin
to wonder if I’ll ever become a mom. I
see and get to love on other kids, but my heart silently breaks to a million
pieces- because we haven’t started this process, because I start thinking of
our future child, and just how impossible it all seems. I begin to doubt the whole adoption process
and all of the difficult steps and think about what ifs for bio kids, what if
we had a bio kid first. But I know this
is a closed door that I shouldn’t even try to peak through, and unfortunately not
even an option for us right now because of my health. But my heart still breaks with the
anticipation of one day loving a child and the self-doubt- so much self-doubt
at this impossible seeming dream.
From there the devil moves on to more self-doubts about
finances. “You’ll never raise enough
money.” “International adoption eh? Those are expensive…. Why don’t you just do
foster to adopt…. It’s a lot less money and kids here need families.” “You’ll never raise enough money” “Are you
sure God has called you to Asia/International adoption?” “You’ll never raise enough money.” “That’s a lot
to ask of other people” “That’s a huge endeavor.”
“Nobody is going to want to buy your ugly paintings.” “You’ll never raise
enough money.” “Why don’t you wait several years when you’re more financially
stable to adopt?” “You’ll never raise enough money.” “You’re just being selfish wanting to adopt, isn’t that like buying a kid?” “Adoption costs too much, you should just have
one the natural way and forget it.” “You’ll never raise enough money.” “This
isn’t going to happen.”
Well you know what Mr. Devil? My God is Greater. He is greater than all of the self-doubts. He
is healer of the broken hearts. His
plans are better than mine. He knew I
would get sick. He knew bio wouldn’t be
our plan one at first. All of the money
in the world is His. All of the people
in the world are His. All of the
children in the world are His- whether in the US, Africa, Asia, Europe. They are all His. Before they were born He KNEW them. He had a plan for them. And He knows EVERY
child deserves love, every child deserves a home. They are all His children.
So amidst the self-doubt in this time… I will choose to Trust
Him.
And as I glance through pictures of waiting children, I can’t
help but pray for our future child and look to where we are headed. And know that somehow we will get there. Please be in prayer for us during this time
of waiting.
Also be on the lookout,
Very soon to come in the next blog- kickoff of our adoption
fundraising- which I am excited about! And details of how you can help us in
this process.
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